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Thread: The thin line.

  1. #1
    Arkham Knight _Nirri™'s Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011

    The thin line.

    Every soldier walks this line, we do what's necessary.
    Protection, every person wants it. They beg for it.
    I stood by my friends, family. I gave them what they asked.
    They believe all what they can ask is free!

    But it's NOT!
    Soldiers DIE!

    I can hear them scream, in my mind.
    They beg me to help them.
    They blame me.

    I can't wait to cross the line and die.
    In peace.

    Because that's what soldiers do.
    We cross the line and die.

    "This is detective Halstead, badge number 51163."

    "He would've been fifteen!"
    "Your son is a pedophile and a killer."

  2. #2
    I'm sorry but I really can't take it seriously with the formatting. Writing shouldn't rely on formatting.

    What's the point of this story? What does the line represent? Death or madness? I thought it might be both (Which would've been interesting) until you pointed out definitively that it was death at the end. When you're using metaphor/analogy, the more concepts you can represent well at any one time, the better. For no real reason you cut out the possibility of the line representing madness, which I think detracted from the story, because it just suggests your character walks simply a line between life and death. What other lines does he walk along?

    a moral line?
    friendship and isolation?
    idealism and bitterness?

    If you add an actual plot to this (At the moment it's fairly useless unless you actually know the character), remove the formatting, and expand rather than restrict your metaphors, I think it'll be great.

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